Vacation - and making a fresh start

Today is the second day of my 2-week vacation from work.

I'm really going to focus on keeping track of my food intake and taking advantage of my free time to go for walks and go to my weight training classes. My record keeping for the past 8 months has been completely derailed, and I know that it's pretty much the root cause of my 13-lb weight gain since January.

I need to stop making excuses.

Yes, it's a real pain in the butt to have my notebook at work where I write down everything that goes into my mouth. It wasn't such an issue when I worked only the night shift, but I'm finding a huge shift in the workplace attitudes and culture during my day shifts now. My co-workers observe me and I feel very self-conscious about it. I hate feeling self-conscious and conspicuous. I don't understand why I feel this way, exactly - I really thought that I'd dealt with the part of my psyche that cared too much about what other people think - obviously there's still work to be done. I feel kind of embarrassed to have my snacks at work too, because it isn't part of the culture / work ethic at my job. I wonder how other people cope with having to have all meals and snacks at work, over a 12-hour shift.

There have been times where I've felt so awkward about having my snacks (after getting looks from colleagues that plainly read You're eating AGAIN?) that I have taken to sneaking a piece of cheese or a protein bar into my pocket and hiding in the washroom to eat my between-meal snack. How is that acceptable? How does that help to de-stigmatize obesity and support those of us who are trying to adopt strategies that actually work for us in our struggle to lose weight?

I'd love to hear how other people cope with this issue.

Kitchen Adventures

We bought a new bread machine a few months ago - our old one was laid to rest after launching itself off the kitchen counter as a result of some uncharacteristic brutal agitation during the kneading of homemade whole wheat pizza dough. This one is a Black & Decker Deluxe Breadmaker, available at Canadian Tire for $99.99 CDN (on sale for $79.99 when we bought it). All I can say is that I am a big fan of this new gadget, but I kind of wanted to use it for more than just pizza dough (although we have paid for the machine already in savings from not buying ordered-in pizza).

Baking loaves of bread, while delicious, wasn't really something I was keen to do. As anyone who has surrendered to the aroma of freshly homebaked bread will tell you, a loaf of fresh homemade bread vanishes faster than a vampire exposed to sunlight.

Tracking my calories means being aware of the caloric content of my food. I've learned that the average store-bought whole wheat English muffin is worth about 130 calories. So, as I was leafing through my revised edition of The Bread Machine Cookbook by Donna Rathmell German, I happened upon a recipe for English muffins. The recipe promises to yield 12 -15 English muffins, calculating out to approximately 135 calories each, but I thought, "If I make them just a little smaller, maybe I can have my English muffins and make them so I can shave off a few calories in the process." So I tried the recipe, with modifications to make them with half whole wheat flour and half all-purpose flour, and used a 2.5" diameter cookie cutter (instead of a 3" diameter cookie cutter) to yield a total of 21 English muffins, at around 85 calories each. I'm storing them in a brown paper bag in my fridge, because 1) I want them to last a little longer than 2 hours and 2) I've discovered that items in non-see-through storage in my fridge don't tend to disappear the way they do in clear plastic containers.

They are absolutely delicious, and it's hardly noticable that they are the teensiest bit smaller than their store bought counterparts.

I've also ventured into the bagel making arena. My technique needs a bit more work, as the rolled together ends still tend to unravel a wee bit when I place the bagels in boiling water. My recipe, courtesy of Donna Rathmell German's original The Bread Machine Cookbook, is supposed to yield 16 bagels at about 125 calories each. Not bad! They are very tasty, and they disappear almost as soon as they come out of the oven. While they are small, when compared to the mammoth bagels that can be bought at the supermarket and at Tim Hortons, my understanding is that originally, bagels were not meant to be close to the size of one's head anyway.

I'm actually enjoying doing some baking again. There's something relaxing about working with dough (although I let my bread machine do most of the heavy work of kneading), and making something fresh and preservative-free for my family. The cost of making my own bagels and English muffins is a fraction of what I'd pay in the store for mass produced items. The ability to tweak the portion size to suit my desired calorie intake is a huge bonus for me too.

Don't they look great?

Oh, and this is the Habanero Black Bean Mango Salad featured in the Loblaws A Healthy 2009 Calendar. The PC Smokin' Habanero Barbecue Sauce is quite a lot hotter than I personally enjoy, but the salad itself is tasty at around 140 calories, 0.5 grams fat, 450 mg sodium, 30 grams carbohydrates, 5 grams fibre, and 5 grams protein per ⅔ cup serving.

The Myth of the Supportive Spouse

The past few months have been frustrating. I haven't been blogging my food intake because I was feeling a little too exposed, and at the same time my food intake recording has become quite sporadic. I have still been more mindful of what I'm eating, but I've been letting little things slip more and more.

I started working full-time in January, which means I now work two 12-hour day shifts in a row, followed by two 12-hour night shifts in a row, followed by a recuperation day, and four days to get ready for the next set of shifts. I had a perfectly laid out plan for my day shifts. I would prepare a couple of "frozen dinners" of my own making, out of leftovers from my day to day dinner preparation. I'd have a quick homemade egg-n-English-muffin thingy for breakfast, some oatmeal and almonds on my breaks at work and a salad with soup for lunch. The trouble started when pre-made meals were overwhelmingly tempting to DH, and my work meals would disappear whenever he felt the need for a midnight snack. I'm not someone who enjoys conflict, so the first time it happened, I told him he needed to give me some cash so I could buy food in the hospital cafeteria (ugh!) if he was going to eat my meals, in addition to meals that I had made in advance for the rest of the family to have while I was at work. The re$our¢e$ I used in preparing those meals has to be worth something (or so I thought), but apparently it was my "own damn fault" for making them in the first place. Apparently there can't be any restriction on any food in the house, if there's food, he has the right to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants. (It also explains the mystery behind why, when I'd make a casserole or soup or anything in the morning for dinner that evening, half of it would be gone before the meal was served, despite his adamant denials to the contrary.) So much for The Myth of the Supportive Spouse, both in terms of my weight loss and working-full-time goals. *eyeroll*

In the meantime, about a month and a half ago, DH has decided to eliminate ALL animal products from his diet (except the ones he really really likes, which can vary from one day to the next, can I have another *eyeroll*, please?) thanks to a book bearing the title Dr. Neal Barnard's Program for Reversing Diabetes. Barnard's premise is that adopting an organic raw vegan diet will induce weight loss (which most people who have Type 2 Diabetes need to do anyway) and control blood sugar, ergo "cure" diabetes (Type 2 anyway). Being a nurse, there's no huge A-HA! moment in this information. But of course a person is going to lose weight if they eliminate a couple of major food groups (meat and dairy) from their food repertoire. No big surprise there. Is it sustainable? I suppose it really depends on a person's values and the rationale behind adopting that lifestyle. If it's merely to drop a few pounds and get blood sugar under control, sustainability is highly doubtful, because there are several different ways to achieve that goal, and if your core values do not match or come close to those of lifelong organic raw vegans (animal rights activists like Dr. Barnard, for one - not that there's anything wrong with that), then if you're like most people, there's no deeper ethical motivation to maintain that lifestyle. The other premise that Barnard apparently espouses is that dieticians don't know anything about nutrition. Rather, they are, in his considered opinion, tools of the various marketing boards attempting to pimp their products into our food chain. I find that characterization demeaning and insulting, because the dieticians I know are nothing like the stereotype he portrays.

Then there is the smugly superior attitude, a sort of holier-than-thouness that permeates DH's newly organic raw vegan personality, as if he's been recruited into a cult like the Moonies. Suddenly, it's as if everything I cook is tainted and unclean. Everything I serve my family is judged and criticized as being imperfect. If I point out his hypocrisy when, for example, he drinks a huge glass of milk, that's my fault too, because I'm so "unsupportive" and "too cheap" to buy rice milk or almond milk or soy milk, instead of the "antibiotic-laced garbage" that's been pimped to me by the milk marketing board, and if I were "properly educated" I would know better than to serve "that crap" to my children. If I resist or question anything to do with veganism, I'm being hypercritical, or I'm "obsessed with finding fault", or I'm "not open-minded" about veganism. Those thought-stopping phrases remind me all too clearly of cult indoctrination practices. The more I resist, the more deeply entrenched and stubborn he becomes about it. The more open I am toward it, the more it will be imposed on me against my will.

The problem I'm having with this decision is that I don't want that lifestyle IMPOSED on me. I have absolutely NO interest in it. I've been told that I have to prepare organic raw vegan meals for DH (in addition to vegetarian meals for one DD and pesco-vegetarian meals for the other DD and high protein [read: plenty of meat] for our body-builder DS and whatever it was that I was planning to prepare for my own meals [at home and for my 12-hour shifts at work]). It's one thing when it's your children who decide they don't want to eat meat, and I've developed a small repertoire that's mostly adaptable to vegetarian meals, and I'm perfectly ok with eating those when I don't feel like cooking several meals for one meal. I've got a food budget that I can live with and space in my cupboards, freezer and fridge that can accommodate some vegetarian choices. However DH wants to clear the entire home of anything that falls outside the very strict boundaries of organic raw vegan fare, and I have said NO, absolutely NOT, in no uncertain terms. I refuse to add another complex layer to the complicated culinary load that I already carry. He wants me to prepare meals for him that he can have while I'm at work. My reply to him was abundantly clear: If he wants to be an organic raw vegan, he's going to have to buy the food he wants and take the time to learn to prepare it for himself. Being the master of guilt induction that he is, I was accused of being "selfish" and "not very supportive". I wanted to tear his effing eyeballs out.

I grew up in a very strictly religious home. There were no gray areas, only black and white, only right and wrong. "Compromise" means sacrifice in that world, it means forgetting about what you want, and doing what you are told to do, even if it's something you don't want to do, even if it's something creepy, like keeping quiet about being molested by a member of the church. This vegan stuff, this absolutist mentality, is starting to feel that kind of "creepy" to me. This weekend I was forced to "compromise" in a way that felt wrong. I was invited to go out for lunch with DH, and when he got me in the car, he asked me where I would like to go. However, that choice offended his vegan sensibilities, despite the fact that there were plenty of vegetarian options he could have had, and he drove me to a vegan restaurant of his choosing, where there were ONLY vegan foods, no choices for anything other than vegan food. It wasn't a compromise, it was an ultimatum: If I wanted to eat out, it was vegan or nothing. That's not a true compromise, it's CONTROL.

Even our children have noticed a creepy personality change in their dad. They don't care for it either. They don't like having no choice in where we go to have lunch. They don't like seeing me frustrated when I make nutritious meals for everyone, only to have him scoff and turn up his nose because it's not acceptable to his ever-changing palate, and yet he's totally unwilling to roll up his sleeves and do some of the hard work in the kitchen himself... because he doesn't know how and doesn't want to learn how.

Does anyone have the name of a good divorce lawyer? I may be needing one.

It's Pi Day!

No, it's not Pie Day. It's Pi Day, or Π Day, if you want to get all Greek about it.

When I first heard about Pi Day on the radio, of course, I thought they were talking about Pie Day (which is every day or at least should be every day, according to DH). Then they explained that Pi Day was March 14 (3/14), the day designated to celebrate the mathematical constant Π, which is roughly equal to 3.14(159265), but is one of those magical mathematical phenomena known as an irrational number, whose decimal representations never repeats or ends. You cannot even express it as a vulgar fraction, like ½ or ¾ or ¼. You could spend eternity writing out the decimal representation of Π, if you were so inclined. And there are people, obviously, who are thusly inclined. I might be one of them, given the opportunity, unlimited time, and wealth beyond my wildest dreams.

At the risk of unmasking my nerdiness completely (it's probably waaayyyy too late for that by this point), when I realized that "Pie" Day was actually a celebration of pi, I kind of got more excited than the average person. Some people have what could be described as a spiritual appreciation of pi, describing it as being eternal like the universe. Eternal and constant, what's not to love about that?

Thinking about pi got me thinking about circles. But oddly enough, not about actual pies, which, although they come in the shape of circles, have proven over and over in my lifetime to be quite finite and of a non-constant and non-eternal form. Thinking about pi and circles got me thinking about circuits and circuit training and consistently monitoring my food intake and maintaining my activity levels. I gave myself a little pat on the back for my efforts this week: two 30-minute fitness classes (one after a 12-hour night shift today) and one 30-minute walk after my 12-hour day shift on Tuesday. And unlike my starting point in May 2008 when I could barely manage 10 minutes on a treadmill, it was a whole lot easier now, even with my winter hiatus / hibernation. It was not "starting at square one all over again", which was a huge worry of mine.

So, yes, I took a winter time break from regular exercise and documenting my food intake. But Pi Day is reminding me that fitness and health are things that I need to be eternal and constant about as much as possible. And although I can't rhyme off pi to 25 decimal places like I once could [nerd alert!!], getting back to fitness and health concerns doesn't have to "start at square one all over again" either.

Here's to Pi Day, springtime and better days ahead.

Don't worry. We won't be celebrating with pie, although we could, if we wanted to.

Evaluation: 2008-12-23

Blogs are funny creatures. Well, actually people are funny creatures, including, I suppose blog writers as well as blog readers.

I have to admit that I felt a bit overwhelmed and kind of exposed with the blog before taking a bit of a hiatus these past few weeks. I've started to come to terms with the fact that I do, in fact, have a condition that will make the weight loss journey more difficult. It is partly the reason why my weight has always been such a struggle. It is also responsible for 35 years worth of "feminine problems", which have happily changed for the better since beginning this weight loss journey.

I can't even begin to describe the feelings of liberation in knowing that this is not all my fault, the unburdening myself of so much long-standing negative self-talk regarding my weight and other physical characteristics that are hallmarks of PCOS.

Having completed the 22-week program with BMI, I'm pleased to report that I've managed to lose 35 pounds in total - I'm now at a weight that I have not seen in about 8 years. I'm not as active as I was earlier in the program, but I have been very careful with my food intake and documenting that intake in my journal. I will continue with BMI's maintenance program for the next year - for as long as it takes for me to complete this journey. There's no mad rush or deadline for me to meet. It's about living my life, enjoying food and physical activity to the extent that I need to be happy. Weight loss is happening as a side effect, not as a specific goal.

I was going to take a picture of 35 pounds of butter yesterday, but oddly enough, the stores are in short supply at this festive time of year, so the picture will wait until the new year. However, I do have a picture of 27 pounds of butter and I can turn that into a picture of 35 pounds of butter.... like so:

Okay, okay, so it's a little distorted. But then again, so has my perception been a bit distorted where this weight loss journey is concerned. I wouldn't have considered 35 pounds to be a "huge" weight loss six months ago. I was so focused on The Big Picture, knowing how much I "should" weigh compared to what I actually weighed, that I would have considered this accomplishment to be a failure. As long as I'm making progress in the right direction, even in the face of setbacks and obstacles, I will consider the journey to be successful.

Evaluation: Week 22

Average daily caloric intake: 1995 calories

Average steps per day: 5660 total; 1154 aerobic

Total activity: 134 minutes (60 minutes fitness class; 74 minutes treadmill)

Evaluation: Week 21

Average daily caloric intake: 1941 calories

Average daily steps: 3853 total

Evaluation: Week 20

Average Daily Caloric Intake: 2078 calories

Average Daily Steps: 4463 total

Total activity: 60 minutes (30 minutes walking outdoors, 30 minutes fitness class)

I worked a day shift for the first time in well over a year on Saturday. It wasn't a usual 12 hour shift, though, it was a 'buddy shift' with one of my colleagues who performs a complimentary role within the perinatal nursing specialty. I have an interest in obtaining the credential in the next few months - so I will likely be hitting the books in January once I've enrolled in the educational component that is required by the IBCLC, in preparation for their exam in July.

Evaluation: Week 19

Average Daily Caloric Intake: 1903 calories

Activity Summary:
30 minutes fitness class
Average steps: 3233 total; 0 aerobic

I'm finding it difficult to regain my motivation to be active from earlier weeks. Stresses on the home front are quite distracting this week. I'll have everything prepared to make it easy to go to the gym, but I feel like I'm drowning in teenager angst - it's like they have a sixth sense that tells them when it is the most inconvenient time for me to deal with whatever is their drama-du-jour and that's when they hit me with it. I need to continue asserting myself. They need to understand that there's almost nothing that would be so horrific in their lives that I need to cancel my plans to look after myself, nothing that can't wait an hour while I go to a fitness class. I need to mentally and emotionally take a step back and refuse to be sucked in to the drama.

Accountability Log: 2008-11-02

Day 133

Work Snacks (00:00 to 07:00):
1 whole wheat English muffin (130 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
½ cup oatmeal (150 calories)
½ oz ground almonds (85 calories)
100 gram serving yogurt (40 calories)
Total: 585 calories

Sleep, 09:00 to 14:00

Snack:
1½ cups turkey chili (210 calories)
½ cup rice (110 calories)
Total: 320 calories

Dinner:
1½ cups PC New England Clam Chowder (255 calories)
1 slice lite Swiss cheese (60 calories)
2 slices whole wheat bread (180 calories)
Total: 495 calories

Work Snacks (19:00 to 23:30)
1 protein bar (160 calories)
1 whole wheat English muffin (130 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
Total: 470 calories

Total caloric intake: 1970 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 4059 total; 0 aerobic; 205 calories used; 2.88 km

Accountability Log: 2008-11-01

Day 132

Breakfast:
scrambled eggs + 1 cup spinach + 1 tsp lite parmesan + 1 Tbsp 5% cream (305 calories)
coffee + 2 Tbsp 5% cream + 2 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 340 calories

Snack:
1 protein bar (160 calories)
Total: 160 calories

Snack:
1 protein bar (160 calories)
1 orange (85 calories)
Total: 245 calories

Sleep before work, 14:00 to 17:00

Dinner:
¾ cup rice (155 calories)
½ cup mushroom gravy (40 calories)
1 slice whole wheat bread (90 calories)
4 oz roast pork (160 calories)
Total: 445 calories

Work:
2 cups tea with skim milk & sweetener (70 calories)
Total: 70 calories

Total caloric intake: 1260 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 2818 total; 0 aerobic; 151 calories; 2.0 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-31

Day 131

Breakfast:
2 pieces whole wheat bread, toasted (180 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
Total: 360 calories

Snack:
1 protein bar (160 calories)
Total: 160 calories

Lunch:
1 take-out hamburger (480 calories)
Total: 480 calories

Dinner at Red Lobster (complete nutritional info NOT available):
garden salad with lemon wedges (45 calories)
1 biscuit (210 calories)
broccoli (55 calories)
stuffed sole (250 calories, estimated)
crab alfredo with linguine (525 calories, estimated)
6 oz glass white zinfandel (135 calories)
Total: 1120 calories

Total caloric intake: 2280 calories

Activity summary:
Fitness class, 30 minutes
Steps: 1374 total; 0 aerobic, 71 calories; 0.97 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-30

Day 130

Breakfast:
½ cup oatmeal (150 calories)
1 egg (75 calories)
½ oz almonds (85 calories)
100 gram serving yogurt (40 calories)
Total: 350 calories

Snack:
1 granola bar (160 calories)
Total: 160 calories

Lunch:
200 gram spinach salad (30 calories)
4 oz pork tenderloin (160 calories)
1 package lite dressing (110 calories)
Total: 300 calories

Snack:
1 granola bar (160 calories)
Total: 160 calories

Dinner:
3/8 homemade pizza (610 calories)
Total: 610 calories

Total caloric intake: 1580 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 2943 total; 0 aerobic; 140 calories used; 2.08 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-29

Day 129

Work Snacks (00:00 to 07:00):
1½ oz 7% MF jalapeño cheddar (90 calories)
1 oz Vegetable Thins crackers (100 calories)
1 egg (75 calories)
½ cup oatmeal (150 calories)
½ oz almonds (85 calories)
100 gram serving yogurt (40 calories)
1 orange (85 calories)
1 whole wheat English muffin (130 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
Total: 935 calories

Breakfast:
1 protein bar (160 calories)
½ oz almonds (85 calories)
1/3 cup dried cranberries (140 calories)
Total: 385 calories

Sleep: 08:00 to 14:00

Snack:
1 pumpkin spice donut (250 calories)
Total: 250 calories

Snack:
1 small chicken sandwich (380 calories)
Total: 380 calories

Dinner @ Boston Pizza:
Citrus chicken salad (grilled chicken option) (800 calories) OMG!!
1 glass white wine (90 calories)
Total: 890 calories

Total caloric intake: 2840 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 4764 total; 0 aerobic; 261 calories used; 3.38 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-28

Day 128

Breakfast:
½ cup oatmeal (150 calories)
½ oz almonds (85 calories)
100 gram serving yogurt (40 calories)
Total: 275 calories

Snack:
4 chicken nuggets (170 calories)
355 mL Sprite (145 calories)
Total: 315 calories

Lunch:
Spinach salad (30 calories)
1 oz almonds (170 calories)
1 package lite poppyseed dressing (110 calories)
Total: 310 calories

Snack:
Protein bar (160 calories)
Total: 160 calories

Dinner:
200 g (raw weight) poached tilapia (165 calories)
5 mini gourmet potatoes (100 calories)
1 serving Southwest salad (150 calories)
Total: 415 calories

Work snacks (19:00 to 24:00):
1 protein bar (160 calories)
1 serving Southwest salad (150 calories)
1 apple (70 calories)
1 protein bar (160 calories)
Total: 540 calories

Total caloric intake: 2015 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 4401 total; 0 aerobic; 212 calories used; 3.12 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-27

Day 127

Breakfast:
1 poached egg (75 calories)
2 slices whole wheat bread, toasted (180 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
Total: 435 calories

Snack:
Tall skinny cinnamon dolce latté (90 calories)
2 oz trail mix (280 calories)
Total: 370 calories

Lunch @ Costco:
1 hotdog + bun + condiments (390 calories)
1 cup Fresca (0 calories)
Total: 390 calories

Snack:
1 large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
1 sour cream donut (270 calories)
1 orange (85 calories)
Total: 390 calories

Dinner:
1 serving Southwest salad (150 calories)
5 oz poached chicken breast (150 calories)
1 cup beets (75 calories)
Total: 375 calories


Total caloric intake: 1960 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 2266 total; 0 aerobic; 114 calories used; 1.6 km

Evaluation: Week 18

Average calories: 1893 per day

Activity: 100 minutes total; 4400 average total steps per day

I've been feeling a bit grumpy and out of sorts this week, and today revealed why. After almost 2 years of much less frequent (like every 6 to 9 weeks) visits from Aunt Flo, I'm having another visit less than 3½ weeks since the previous one. *groan*

This totally throws a monkey wrench into my quality of life. It truly does, and it always has. My period sidelines me for 3 - 5 days at a time; which is more-or-less tolerable every 6 to 9 weeks, but every three weeks?? This is entirely unacceptable to me. At 45 years of age, and with approximately 3 decades' worth of experience with this "condition" in my repertoire, I kind of hoped that it wouldn't still be the embarrassing nuisance and laundry nightmare that it has always been since I was 11 years old, but it is. The old wives' tales that I used to hear, to the effect that it gets better after you have a couple of kids, never happened for me. I've also heard rumours that once some women stop having periods they actually miss it (are you frikkin' kidding me??) - for those rare ladies it apparently is a regular affirmation that they are of the feminine gender. I personally don't buy it - I honestly don't need that much affirmation of my femininity. Simply not having a penis does the job just fine for me. The periods I can live without. Permanently.

I'm also convinced that the numbskull responsible for the Always® brand's annoying and nauseatingly condescending Have a Happy Period ad campaign has a special place in Hell reserved just for him. And in my shallow little world there are a lot of majorly ticked off, hormonally driven, PMSing women (most of them named Lorena) waiting there as his personal welcoming committee (pitchforks and other more imaginative implements of torture optional).

I suppose, however, that the "bright side" (if you can call it that) of this return to more "normal-for-me" frequency in my cycles is that this is a good indicator that my hormone levels are normalizing as a direct result of my weight loss efforts. It's not a big secret that being overweight wreaks havoc on all body systems, including those hormones that regulate menstruation. I was just kind of hoping that I was actually winding down into a menopausal reprieve - the less frequent periods during the past couple of years were really a welcome change - I felt more free and way more confident in my daily activities without the inappropriately frequent trips to the ladies' room to "freshen up" (which is the polite way of saying that you are going to have a partial bath, change clothes from the waist down and start a load of laundry in the bathroom sink), or having to carry a pharmacy's worth of feminine hygiene products in my purse, my backpack, my gym bag, and my car.

Over the years, I'd estimate that the cost of these items and lost productivity has been worth a small fortune. The potential for "accidents" causes me so much anxiety that I just don't want to risk moderately vigorous activity - and with good reason from what I've gathered in past experience (I'll spare my dear readers the gory details; suffice it to say that it involves a lot of extra laundry, and could possibly involve crime scene tape if I wanted to have a little fun with it). Yes, it's a normal part of life when one is of the female persuasion, although "normal" varies from one woman to another - and drawing on my professional background, I think I am well-versed in the finer details of how and why female bodies work this way. But when it's happening to me, I just want to disappear until it's over.

Accountability Log: 2008-10-26

Day 126

Breakfast (made by DH):
2 poached eggs (150 calories)
1 whole wheat English muffin (130 calories)
*1 Tbsp butter (estimated) (100 calories)
1 slice lite Swiss cheese (60 calories)
Total: 440 calories

Note to self: How many years has it been that I have not slathered butter on bread or toast? I'm starting to wonder whether DH's "forgetfulness" is, in actuality, a passive-aggressive manoeuvre to either (a) sabotage my weight management plans, or (b) get me to stop asking him to help in the kitchen. My weekend has been taken up with costume making, and I thought it would help me out immensely for him to poach eggs and toast some English muffins for breakfast today. Of course, if I remind him that I don't normally have butter on my English muffin, he will be highly offended and will not likely make breakfast ever again [see item (b) above]. If I don't mention it, then I become complicit in the sabotage. *sigh* I suppose it will have to be a case of picking my battles - this one is simply not worth the aggravation. Surely I can adjust 100 calories thoughout the day somehow... right??

Lunch:
1/3 package Southwest Salad (100 calories)
Total: 100 calories

Snack:
4 chocolate-covered graham crackers (180 calories)
Total: 180 calories

Note to self: I had a "brilliant" idea today while at the bulk store. One of my favorite treats is chocolate covered graham squares, and it's been a very long time since I bought a package of them - it's been well over a year, and I resolved to not buy the package because I had a tendency to casually snack on them with tea or coffee and the package would be gone before I even realized it.
So today at the bulk store, I noticed a bin of chocolate covered graham squares, and nutritional information posted on the bin: 4 cookies = 180 calories. I put 4 cookies in a plastic bag that could easily have carried several pounds of cookies and brought it to the cash register. For 40¢, it was a nice treat, and it was even nicer that there were no more of them in the house to tempt me.

Dinner:
2 100-gram extra lean hamburger patties (400 calories) (includes egg, breadcrumbs & seasonings)
1 whole wheat hamburger bun (140 calories)
1 slice lite Swiss cheese (60 calories)
1 tsp ketchup (10 calories)
1 tsp relish (10 calories)
1 Tbsp lite mayo (45 calories)
2 slices dill pickle (10 calories)
1/3 package salad (100 calories)
Total: 775 calories

Snack:
11 chocolate macaroons (220 calories)
Total: 220 calories

Total caloric intake: 1715 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 2711 total; 0 aerobic; 149 calories used; 1.92 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-25

Day 125

Breakfast:
Scrambled eggs (225 calories)
+ 1 oz lite (5% MF) cream (15 calories)
+ ½ oz Tex Mex shredded cheese (55 calories)
Total: 295 calories

Snack:
2 pieces whole grain toast (240 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
Total: 420 calories

Lunch:
1 piece pumpernickel bread (90 calories)
1 slice lite Swiss cheese (60 calories)
3 oz smoked chicken (90 calories)
Total: 240 calories

Snack:
2 Timbits (120 calories)
1 100-calorie granola bar (100 calories)
Total: 220 calories

Dinner:
5 oz pork tenderloin (200 calories)
8 gourmet mini potatoes (160 calories)
2 cups salad (20 calories)
1 Tbsp Sundried Tomato & Oregano salad dressing (30 calories)
Total: 410 calories

Dessert:
¾ cup ice cream (210 calories)
1 tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 245 calories

Total caloric intake: 1830 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 2340 total; 0 aerobic; 124 calories used; 1.66 km (forgot pedometer - started recording at noon)

Accountability Log: 2008-10-24

Day 124

Work Snacks (00:00 to 07:00):
2 mini Aero chocolates (80 calories)
1 protein bar (160 calories)
1 oz Bran Flakes (110 calories)
½ cup skim milk (45 calories)
200 grams watermelon (55 calories)
Total: 450 calories

Sleep: 08:00 to 16:00

Snack:
1 protein bar (160 calories)
1 large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 195 calories

Dinner @ Subway:
6" Subway Club, no cheese, on whole wheat bun (320 calories)
1 large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 355 calories

Treat @ Cirque du Soleil:
small popcorn (385 calories)
1 large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 420 calories

Total caloric intake: 1430 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 5729 total; 0 aerobic; 324 calories used; 4.06 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-23

Day 123

Work Snacks (00:00 to 07:00):
1 oz cheese (120 calories)
½ oz Vegetable Thins (50 calories)
1 oz Bran Flakes (110 calories)
½ cup skim milk (45 calories)
1 package PC Multigrain Instant Oatmeal (170 calories)
½ oz almonds (85 calories)
½ cup yogurt (50 calories)
Total: 630 calories

Breakfast:
1 whole wheat English muffin (130 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
Total: 310 calories

Sleep: 08:00 to 16:00

Snack:
200 grams watermelon (55 calories)
Total: 55 calories

Dinner:
2 pieces whole grain bread (240 calories)
4 oz turkey, no skin (160 calories)
½ cup mushroom sauce (40 calories)
2 cups salad (20 calories)
1 package lite poppyseed dressing (110 calories)
1 large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 605 calories

Work snacks (20:00 to 24:00):
1 protein bar (160 calories)
1 oz Vegetable Thins (100 calories)
1½ oz cheese (180 calories)
Total: 440 calories

Total caloric intake: 2040 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 5056 total; 0 aerobic; 260 calories; 3.58 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-22

Day 122

Breakfast:
½ cup oatmeal (150 calories)
1 oz almonds (170 calories)
½ cup yogurt (50 calories)
Total: 370 calories

Snack:
chocolate protein shake (100 calories)
Total: 100 calories

Lunch:
A&W mozza burger, small fries, small diet root beer (1010 calories)
Total: 1010 calories

Sleep before work: 15:00 to 17:00

Dinner:
1 slice whole grain bread (120 calories)
5 oz roast turkey, no skin (195 calories)
¼ cup turkey gravy (20 calories)
6 mini potatoes (105 calories)
½ cup cauliflower (15 calories)
½ cup broccoli (15 calories)
large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 505 calories

Work snacks (19:00 to 24:00)
½ oz Vegetable Thins (50 calories)
1 oz cheese (120 calories)
large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 205 calories

Total caloric intake: 2190 calories

Activity summary:
treadmill, 35 minutes
steps: 7733 total; 3844 aerobic; 429 calories used; 5.49 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-21

Day 121

Breakfast:
1 whole wheat English muffin (130 calories)
2 poached eggs (150 calories)
1 slice lite Swiss cheese (60 calories)
1 oz Black Forest ham (35 calories)
½ cup fat-free sugar-free yogurt (50 calories)
Total: 425 calories

Lunch:
175 grams salad (20 calories)
125 grams smoked chicken (125 calories)
1 package lite poppyseed dressing (110 calories)
1 extra large steeped tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (45 calories)
Total: 300 calories

Snack:
1 tea plain biscuit (250 calories)
2 Tbsp peanut butter (180 calories)
1 small steeped tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (20 calories)
Total: 450 calories

Dinner:
6 oz fillet of sole (150 calories)
6 gourmet mini potatoes (105 calories)
small serving Southwest salad mix (75 calories)
Total: 330 calories

Dessert:
1 piece pumpkin gingerbread (260 calories)
Total: 260 calories

Treat:
2 Godiva truffles (210 calories)
Total: 210 calories

Total caloric intake: 1975 calories

Activity summary:
Walk: 20 minutes, approx 1.3 km
Steps: 4907 total; 0 aerobic; 259 calories used; 3.48 km

Accountability Log: 2008-10-20

Day 120

Breakfast:
½ cup oatmeal (150 calories)
1 oz almonds (170 calories)
100 gram serving yogurt (40 calories)
extra large steeped tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (45 calories)
Total: 405 calories

Snack:
protein bar (170 calories)
Total: 170 calories

Lunch:
2 cups turkey chili (300 calories)
½ oz shredded cheese (55 calories)
Total: 355 calories

Snack:
1 oz pumpernickel bread (80 calories)
1 Tbsp spinach dip (30 calories)
large tea, 1 milk + 1 sweetener (35 calories)
Total: 145 calories

Dinner:
150 grams pasta with cheese sauce (520 calories)
½ cup steamed cauliflower, broccoli and carrot (30 calories)
2/3 corn on the cob (50 calories)
1 serving Southwest salad (150 calories)
Total: 750 calories

Dessert:
1 piece homemade pumpkin gingerbread (260 calories)
Total: 260 calories

Total caloric intake: 2085 calories

Activity summary:
Steps: 2302 total; 0 aerobic; 96 calories; 1.63 km
Up & down the stairs in my house: 15 minutes

Evaluation: Weeks 15 - 17

It's been several weeks since I did some reflecting on how I've been doing. The past few weeks have been troublesome - my motivation to keep physically active hit a slump when I started experiencing pain in my joints. I knew I was not doing as well as I had been, and that made me feel reluctant to own up to the situation.

Part of it, too, I will openly admit, is that when I was devoting more time and effort to physical activity, it felt as though the payoff in terms of weight loss was not what I hoped I might achieve. It was kind of like making a large payment on a credit card balance, only to see a very small difference in the amount owed once the bank adds the interest charges onto the next statement. Frustrating, most definitely. But ultimately, wholly my responsibility. I could waste time and energy giving myself an emotional and mental smack-down, but it wouldn't fix anything. The only way to change the situation with my weight will take time, diligence and patience.

Week 15:
Average daily caloric intake: 2113 calories
Average daily activity: 30.8 minutes; 6027 steps; 1208 aerobic

Week 16:
Average daily caloric intake: 1985 calories
Average daily activity: 8.5 minutes; 3496 steps; 0 aerobic

Week 17:
Average daily caloric intake: 1960 calories
Average daily activity: 21.4 minutes; 4533 steps; 1734 aerobic